The 'One Drop' club

America is ecstatic because we are inaugurating the first black president of the free world tomorrow.

But will he be the first black president?

Reports, rumors, gossip has maintained the presence of at least one semi-black president since the 1920s when Warren Harding was president. During his campaign, a man by the name of William Estabrook Chancellor published a book proclaiming that Harding was the great-grandson of a slave girl. Shortly after its publication, Chancellor was run out of the country and settled in Canada, but the rumors circulated. Perhaps it was Harding's rank that caused mouths to move, or as some historians suggest, perhaps it was because rumors had already existed long before Chancellor's book. 

One of Harding's ancestors killed a man for suggesting that his wife, a Harding, was black. Another that Harding's father's second wife divorced him because "he was too much Negro 'for her to handle'" (from an article by Beverly Gage, professor of Modern U.S. History at Yale University, published in the New York Times April 6, 2008). And another that Harding's own father-in-law, a wealthy businessman who was allegedly jealous of Harding's newspaper business, disowned his daughter for "polluting" the family tree when she married the would-be-president in 1891. 

But Harding isn't the only pre-prez to fall under the One Drop Law scrutiny. Andrew Jackson, Thomas Jefferson, Dwight Eisenhower, Calvin Coolidge, and Abraham Lincoln are among his possibly-somewhat-black peers.

Thomas Jefferson owned slaves, and if his parentage included African American descent, he did not know it. His book, "Notes on the State of Virginia," provides a clear insight into his perception of slavery. It is obvious that Jefferson was not a cruel master, for he spent much of his time studying them, finding differences between his own race and theirs. For instance, he says: "Comparing them by their faculties of memory, reason, and imagination, it appears to me, that in memory they are equal to the whites; in reason much inferior, as I think one could scarcely be found capable of tracing and comprehending the investigations of Euclid; and that in imagination they are dull, tasteless, and anomalous." (He also said "In music they are more generally gifted than the whites with accurate ears for tune and time," which I found funny because it's true.) Though Jefferson took one of his slaves as a lover and she bore him several children, it is still made obvious that Jefferson believed slaves to be beneath him.

When he wrote the Declaration of Independence, slaves were not included in the phrase "all men are created equal." For centuries this belief hung around until it became in integral part of the civil war.

Lincoln, for all of the rumors about his mother having a slave lover, was not an abolitionist. He did not want to be associated with abolitionists. Lincoln freed the slaves for two reasons: 1.) because it was immoral to own human beings, and 2.) because by giving them what they wanted, there was a higher chance they would fight for the North.

The Civil War was not focused around owning slaves. The topic of slavery's morality was brought into play long before Lexington and Concord, and as commander in chief, freeing the slaves was a tactical, practical, and historical move for Lincoln. It is what he is most remembered for, which probably didn't even cross his mind at the time.

Any of these presidents would have denied African-American heritage, and probably vehemently. To be black, to have "One Drop" of African-American blood would have not only ruined their careers, but probably their lives as well. 

When it comes to racism the world is foolish.

But suppose all of these presidents actually had African-American ancestors. Today we can feel confident saying "So what?"

And that's the point. Whether or not a previous president has the blood isn't the point; the fact that America is ready to accept one is.

Commas

I read Ben's latest blog and found the little editor in me sputtering.

The comma is one of the finest tools in all of Punctuationdom.

Think of it: without the comma, no sentence would have any clear detail. Nations would war with one another based on a misconstrued sentence because there were no commas to separate their wishes and their intentions. 

Look, here's an example (this sentence is an example, for if there were no comma it would read "look here's an example," which in N.H.-speak means either "look where my finger is pointing," or as a term of endearment towards the example):

Grimm has been led astray by the improper use of a comma.

If, on the other hand, your beloved reporter tends to throw far too many commas into an article, the message can also be seriously misread. 

Commas are meant to represent a break in speech. A pause, as it were, of an invariable amount of time, depending on who is doing the speaking. Clint Eastwood carries a longer pause over his commas. "Who you lookin at (count to two), punk?"

Versus my friend Melissa, who speaks so fast I used to think she knew Chinese.

Too many commas means too many breaks.

"The meeting, which lasted four hours, was as much to pass, what lawmakers believed to be, the perfect budget, as it was to eat Mrs. Fritzl's sausages."

Read that and pause at every comma. Then read it with proper comma usage: "The meeting, which lasted four hours, was as much to pass what lawmakers believed to be the perfect budget as it was to eat Mrs. Fritzl's sausages."

I'm not saying that everyone has the ability to decipher the comma's proper place in a voiced quote. If that were true I would be out of a job.

However, a look into the complex and sometimes dangerous world of Punctuationdom can allow creative minds and Grammar Nazis to coexist in peace, sans annoyance.

:-D

You know what really grinds my gears?

80-year old drivers who go 15 in a 35. the millions of voters who "aren't racist" but voted for Obama because he'd be the first black president. giggling teenage girls who aspire to be beautiful instead of smart. corduroy. mothers who take their babies to walmart tired and let them scream all through the store. the inability for northerners to say "hello" on the street. soggy bread. hour-long telephone conversations. silent telephone conversations. drunken driving. people who try to weasel their way out of retribution. holy wars. apple pie. rape. basketball. the fact that my dog eats its own vomit. hollywood. the entire state of california. the word 'receive'. movie theater prices. pot holes. smog. chicken parmesan.

I once saw this show where the lead character had to go to anger management counseling. In her meeting they passed around a little red ball and had to tell it what made them angry. Most responses were simple: traffic, loud music, my boyfriend's ignorance... but when the ball got to the lead character, she said, "you know what makes me angry? Child abuse, hunger, hatred, racism, a lack of morality, a mother who is too poor to keep her children warm at night, THAT is what makes me angry." Then she stuck the little red ball in her coat pocket and left.

Seinfeld

Here in the newsroom, we have a bit of an obsession with Seinfeld.
I'll be honest, I never liked Seinfeld, until I started working here and was unable to stop listening to the "did you ever see the one where...".
Really, it's a show about nothing with a cast of unrememborables who do mundane work and eat at the same coffee shop every day.
If I were in that coffee shop I would walk by their table completely uninterested. Except for the guy with the weird hair. Him I'd notice, but only until I could tell my roommate about him while we were watching some strange commercial on TV.
Could you imagine this cast reuniting to make a more modern version of the show?
Picture it: Jerry would be unemployed, because let's face it, his jokes aren't funny in the 21st century. He might have become the spokesman for a white sneaker company, but they would only sell shoes to basketball players that can't afford the high-end stuff. Needless to say, Jerry wouldn't be able to afford his apartment on his own and would need a roommate, as there's no way he'd be married.
He could room with Kramer, but I rather think at this point that Kramer has attracted some smart woman with a serious job and a need to laugh when she gets home. I picture him in suburbia with a pipe and brandy goblet, making the neighborhood kids happy.
George got roped into marriage. After Susan's death, fate decided she'd been too lenient, and he married a woman just like his mother, nasaly voice and all. He's back working for Steinbrenner and the Yankees, and he can't stand Derek Jeter. His wife convinced him to take a vacation in the fall of 2004, and it was because he was out of the country that he survived the massive layoffs after the Yankees lost the penant to the almighty Red Sox.
Elaine married Mr. Peterman. After Brazil, he decided to return to New York to set the eclectic-device collecting world on its ear with his battery-operated socks. Nobody believed him, until one day he ripped off Elaine's shoe and slipped one of his socks on her foot and hit the 'on' button. They were both goners from there. He made millions, and they now live half the year in New York and half in Brazil, where battery-operated socks are unnecessary. They have three children.
They still eat at the coffee shop, but only George and Jerry are true regulars. They are both bald and fat, and George probably had Lasik surgery, so his squinty eyes go unhindered by glasses. Jerry still scratches the waistband size off his jeans and writes '32'. It's his most hilarious act.